i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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