oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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