So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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