i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
