I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
