My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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