I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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