How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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