3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
