Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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