i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
