do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think i got beer on your cat.
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