new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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