I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
