Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
