I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
