I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
