Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
