So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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