I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
