i just wanna soil my oats bro
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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