i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
