I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
