its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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