I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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