WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
