I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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