I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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