i think i have two assholes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
