Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
