It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize