I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
