Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
