it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
