last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
