You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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