Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
