My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
