Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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