My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize