im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
