my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
