so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
