I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
