Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
