I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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