Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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