the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
