she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
