I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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