You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
