i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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