so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
