I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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