I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
