the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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