I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My friends, they love my intelligence
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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